by Swati Sudarsan
I lived long deprived, a long
silence, drenched in
abstemious want. I wanted
nothing, knowing longing
was only useful in smoking
out rats. I lived as a woman,
which is the same as a ghost.
I survived violations unseen,
determined to find
an approximation of desire,
haloed desire, knowing nothing
of its true nature.
I had never desired anything
but safety. Distance from
events that soiled my soul.
I wandered past the sky
to the sea and reached it
weeping streams of tears,
blossoms and bouquets, buds
with scarlet-dappled thorns
that betrayed my whereabouts
and They came together,
Time and Weary.
They taught me hunger, so
I hungered, eating after
prayers clasping pinkies,
to hack paths to ribbons,
trampling prints not mine as
They checked empty maps
and filled them with lines
leading to an end. But
until then we would eat
wingless birds full of songs,
sucked from their
skulls so our pockets sang
whenever we desired.
As we edged toward the
end I found my morals
lighter, hollower day
by day. Found my hair
looser, undressed more
easily, teeth falling out
in clumps, my gums
bleeding, dropping petals
of canines like a procession.
One day I saw a sight
that sent my desire
thumping: Moonglow
dancing upon a stone
not too solid, its light
scattering, a type
of infinite, which is
a type of ending.
Time and Weary held me
back as they violented
the stone. I played bird
songs to drown them out.
When They came back
to me kissing knuckles,
washing off blood, I stood
armed with desire, stone
cold desire, and stepped
up to finish Their job until
a vein of blue glimmer
in the stone caught
my throat, sent it
beating like a little
bird heart—so fast
that at first glance
it looks still.
In this stillness, I found
I did not desire an ending
but altogether
a different journey
Swati Sudarsan is based in Oakland, CA (Ohlone Land). Swati has received support from Tin House, Kenyon Review, Kweli Journal, and Martha's Vineyard Institute of Creative Writing. She was the runner-up of the 2022 So to Speak Contest Issue, and has work in McSweeney's, The Adroit Journal, Maudlin House and more.
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